just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
