Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
