i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
