Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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