I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
