i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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