I like my sex mixed with concussions.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
