please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
