Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
