i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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