The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
