I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
