Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
