oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
