so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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