So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She bit a glass in half.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
