I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
