Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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