Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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