i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
