Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
