I love black thongs
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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