Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
