Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
