Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
