My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
