I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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