also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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