walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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