im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
