did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
