Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
