yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
