Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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