i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
