Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
