just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
