You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
