where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
