just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
