Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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