My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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