I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
