Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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