i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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