my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
