How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Drake has all the answers
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
