Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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