Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
they need to just BURY HIM!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
