hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
