so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
