I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This house was built for laser tag.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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